1/3
When I first started drinking it was always a social thing. I looked at it like this: I knew who the cool guys were in school, at parties, around town, they weren't the guys using "drugs". At this point when I say drugs it's really only marijuana, obviously I knew of the harder shit, but it wasn't really around, and if it was then it wasn't talked about....out of sight out of mind. Potheads" as I called them, well, actually I still do, were just what you'd expect....parents who were either too busy to notice, too fucked up to care, or had their own heads so far up their collective superior asses that "they KNOW what druggies look like" and "their" kid isn't one of "THEM". Well, Guess What Parents, Teachers, Coaches, Guys, Girls, Aunts, Uncle's and whoever else is out there reading this??? DRUG ADDICTION + ALCOHOLISM is as tried and true as death and taxes.....it's the 3rd constant that will forever inhabit this earth. It doesn't discriminate. White, Black, Green, Women, Man, Christian, Islamic, Vegetarian, or even a god damn homosexual. You don't have to be poor, live in a bad neighborhood, have bad friends, have bad parents, be sexually abused, be picked on, OR ANYTHING ELSE! IN FACT, YOU CAN HAVE A FUCKING DAMN NEAR PERFECT FUCKING UPBRINGING, AND 1 STUPID, HORRIBLE, REGRETTABLE, AWFUL, PAINFUL, MISTAKE can completely change the entire course of your life. AND....the lives of EVERYONE around you. EverySinglePerson who gives a shit whether you take another breath is hurting the whole time your abusing. Do you know why I said abusing instead of using? It was intentional. It was very very intentional. It's very very important and completely different. Your not going to hear this from your doctor, Councilor, sponsor or parents. I'm ONLY saying this because I want to be EXTREMELY AND COMPLETELY CLEAR ABOUT 1 THING IN REGARDS TO MY WRITINGS HERE. Im HONEST. Sometimes to a fault. But I'm NOT EVER going to lie to anyone EVER AGAIN. I've moved past that. It took a lot of work to get to where I am. I worked. My girlfriend worked. My family worked. Eventually. My girlfriend has been many things throughout my life, here's just a small sample: sounding board, friend, lover, object of anger, object of sex, victim of my habits(gambling, drinking, cocaine, percocet, Oxycontin, heroine) faced homelessness, job loss, many many nights of sleep lost, nearly $50,000 lost trying to keep me still moving and hundreds of other things i'll talk about throughout. I have had 1 person that has NEVER EVER EVER let me forget that I have someone in my corner. no matter what. Whether it's a parent, sibling, cousin, friend, or damn pen pal, it takes A LOT. AND I MEAN FOR REAL, A LOT to truly get free from drugs and alcohol. Let someone have your back. Your going to look back and really appreciate it someday. I PROMISE.
To be continued.....
wow, i have not read this in a really long time. First of all I should explain that the 1 person who never left my side...eventually did finally have enough and did leave
ReplyDeleteIt was gradual. But she finally had enough. I didn't find out until afterwards that she was seeing someone else...getting from them what she couldn't from me. A normal, working together, enjoying each other type of relationship. In the end I guess it was good for me because at this point today I haven't used in over 5 years now.
ReplyDeleteThe way it happened wasn't ideal...I was really really hurt for a long time and I blamed it on her. I blamed where I was, who i had become and what I was doing on her leaving. But it wasn't her fault, it was mine. Sometimes you have to accept responsibility in order to fully grasp what is happening. I was sliding back down again and this time, I didn't have her love to pull me back. And without it, I tried to throw my life away again.
ReplyDeleteObviously it worked out in the end because I am still alive and i'm clean now. But I can't help but think what my life would have been like if I had just listened to that one person who didn't care about money, or my past or my present, she just wanted to be in my life and I threw that away. I threw away the one person I truely cared about. Now I have someone else that I truely love. But it took a long time to find that. Naiomi is the most incredible women i have ever met because she loves me in spite of my past, she doesn't care who I was, she cares who i am.
ReplyDeleteI thank god every day when I wake up because I shouldn't be alive today and if i am here tomorrow, that's just another gift.